Sunrise

"Every sunrise gives you a new beginning and a new ending. Let this morning be a new beginning to a better relationship and a new ending to the bad memories. It's an opportunity to enjoy life, breath freely, think and love. Be grateful for this beautiful day."

Norton Juster

I'm definitely not a morning person and rarely see the sun rise. LOL. But regardless if I see it daily, the sun rises everyday bringing blessings and miracles to us all. We might not be able to see it or even appreciate it, but it is there.

It's been a rough 8 months. Back in July 2020, I was optimistic that 2020 was still going to be a great year, despite COVID-19. I was determined to make lemonade out of lemons but I had a hard time. I wouldn't say I failed but I definitely had to put those lemons in the freezer. to deal with later. Hahaha.

It started when I was confirmed COVID-19 positive in August 2000. Because of my job, I thought I was careful - I always wore my mask, washed/sanitized my hands, wiped things down, stayed within my work/family bubble and only left the house to go into work (on my scheduled days) and seldom visits to buy take out food for my family. I guess in a way, I was careful - I had COVID-19 but my family nor the people I had direct contact with got COVID-19 from me. My husband and daughter was fine - it was inconvenient but we were all fine.

I suffer from daily allergies so I didn't even feel sick or any more miserable than usual. The reason I got tested was because my husband had possible exposure at work and because I'm high risk (due to medical conditions), I freaked out and asked my doctor to get tested. To my surprise, my husband tested negative but the day after, I tested positive. I couldn't believe it. It was the weekend before my daughter's birthday and the week that she started school (distance learning). I had to kick her out of her room, hubby cleared out the spare bath so I could have my own bathroom to use and moved my daughter's stuff for school to the living room.

Luckily I felt fine so I was able to telework the whole 10 days I was in isolation but my husband had to stay home from work for 14 days. I missed my daughter's birthday, which hit me hard. I coordinated with my sister and mom to get her birthday decorations and dinner, I managed to put together a last minute Facebook chat room celebration, my in-laws bought the cutest unicorn cake and although I felt heartbroken, my daughter felt like it was a great birthday.

I was the first to get diagnosed with COVID-19 at my office so it was rough. Some of my coworkers were mad, which I understood but it just made me feel worse than I thought I would. I felt shame that I failed to keep myself healthy, shame for possibly spreading it at work or to anyone, shame for the inconvenience that I caused whomever was affected by me being COVID-19 positive. I'm usually a positive person but it beat me down hard. I cried everyday I was in isolation. I cried for months after. I felt lost beyond words.

I usually am the type to know what's wrong and know what I "need" to fix it. But this time, I was lost and drowning. I had a breakdown at work. I wasn't happy and I couldn't breathe. Then a thing happened.... my schoolmate on Facebook was posting lots of BTS videos, articles, clips. I've heard of BTS when Mic Drop started playing on the radio in 2017 and I'm not really a music lover but I did buy their song on iTunes. LOL. Little did I know, BTS would help me refocus and push me up to the surface so I could take a breath.

With each breath, I felt better and was able to feel something more than sorrow. For months, I would watch a music video, an episode of BTS on YouTube and stream their music here and there. It was about the time Dynamite came out so BTS news was big in the US. I wouldn't say I was a true fan yet but I was drawn to their music even though I couldn't understand what they were saying. Their little video clips brought me joy.

I remember one day when I was teleworking and was listening to "Epiphany" and I just remembered being overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry. I listened to the music intently, trying to figure out what it was. I heard Jin sing, "I'm the one that I should love in this world" and it clicked. I went to look what the song title was..... "Epiphany". I thought, really? and just laughed out loud. It was the changing point for me. I'll share my love for BTS in new posts later on.

From Wikipedia - "An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphanea, "manifestation, striking appearance") is an experience of a sudden and striking realization. ... Epiphanies are relatively rare occurrences and generally follow a process of significant thought about a problem." Epiphany (feeling) - Wikipedia

Although I did have an "epiphany", it took a while before I really changed. I think in general, I always did what made me happy but in more recent times, I think I lost sight of myself a little bit and put people and their needs before mines. I let the darkness consume me, which is what I needed at the time. Maybe a little late to the game but taking care of myself and making sure I practice what I preach to my daughter, will only make me a stronger person and create a path for her to "love herself" in practice and not just words.

Ready for the sunrise? Yup! Bring it on. With every sunrise, it will bring me a new day to enjoy life and love, appreciate my family and friends, make choices that brings me joy, celebrate the little things, see the good in people, say good bye to the darkness and bad memories, and most of all - LOVE MYSELF.